If I were living in a horror movie, I would be the first person to be killed. All of my friends would have to keep outrunning the murderer, powerless to save my now-mangled body, but also not surprised at the outcome. I hurt myself when I run and I often drop my keys upon arriving at the door. Plus, I constantly warn people to obey the rules at parties and wander off alone when I’m drunk. It makes sense I would be the first to go.

I don’t think about these gruesome outcomes to be macabre, I just try to be realistic about my chances in case of an attack. Know what your strengths are physically so you can utilize them if you’re ever in a dangerous situation. Some people run fast or have excellent balance. Other people can hide and that should be applauded just the same.

I have street smarts. I might be clumsy but I know when to sense something is wrong while I’m out at night. Creepy masked murderers sneaking in the bushes scare me far more than walking to a bar alone. Why? At home, your guard is off. On the streets, or the streetz as I call them, you should always be aware. Not necessarily alert, but at least aware.

Being aware doesn’t just mean locking your car doors when you’re in a bad neighborhood. It means paying attention to your surroundings and trusting your senses. Then again, I automatically lock my doors when any man, woman or child walks within six feet of my car regardless of the neighborhood. I wouldn’t want any stranger in my car, even if they weren’t dangerous and especially if they were a child.

If an attractive person of the opposite sex waltzed into my car I wouldn’t assume my life was turning into a Rom-Com, finally. In the real world, that’s either a prostitute or you are about to unwittingly be the getaway driver to some illegal activity. Get your Ryan Gosling sunglasses on cause you are about to Drive.

As a female comic, I lead what I call a “high-risk lifestyle.” It’s also how news sources refer to prostitutes and gay people, but I think it fits my profession and sexual orientation as well. It’s my job to go to bars by myself, wait around for hours hoping for cash and usually end up getting paid in drinks. Gay people just have sex a little differently.

I’ve considered buying a weapon to have with me when I’m alone and out at late-night shows or on the road. I had to consider the options: the revolver, the rope or the lead pipe.

For a while, I thought a small knife would be a good idea to carry on me. I think in a life or death situation my instincts would kick in and I could muster up enough adrenaline to stab someone. Not like a crazy Jodi Arias stab, but stab enough to be able to accurately brag that I had indeed “cut a bitch” before.

I’ve owned mace, the most common self-defense weapon of choice for women. Every time I took it out of my purse, I was just constantly terrified I was going to mace myself accidentally. Apparently, that is extremely painful, whether you do it with pepper spray or by over-listening to the ‘90s rapper. In a high-pressure, life-threatening situation I don’t think I would all of a sudden react immediately and be able to control my motor skills for the first time. Anger and strength I could see myself acquiring, but not precision and quick thinking with a spraying device.

I would never carry a gun. I know it’s “in” and even empowering for some women to own their own handgun; pink and pink camo seem to be popular choices. I’m not saying it’s wrong for every woman to own a handgun, just me because I’ve met me before. I can just imagine the ironic crime scene if I ever shot myself with my own pink gun. Which, with my physical reflexes, would be more than likely. If it were in a Rom-Com, maybe I’d even bleed pink blood and die in a quirky pose.

I consider myself an Urban Sherpa. I’ve lived in Harlem, worked in the French Quarter and have traveled to a handful of large cities around the world. I think it takes a certain skill to lead people to awesome dive bars without getting anyone lost, hurt or bored. Sometimes, you have to brave through a seedy neighborhood and that’s when you have to learn to trust your instincts.

Don’t be afraid if you ever get into a dangerous situation. People, like animals, can smell fear. Even if you’re scared, try to breathe through it and remain calm. Don’t be cocky or over confidant, but do stand your ground. I’ve gotten myself out of some tense situations by being unapologetic, forceful and sometimes relying on my awkward charm. I mean who else would curtsy to a mugger?






POSTED MAR 27, 2013

Easter is this week. It’s one of the few times every year when family gets together over that traditional holiday meal. Everyone comes in to town to reconnect with loved ones and celebrate the history of the holiday. Well, kinda.

Over the years I feel like Easter is becoming less of a “thing.” People seem to be more focused on spring break and vacationing than traditions. Living halfway across the country for several years, I noticed people going home less and less for Easter. Thanksgiving was clearly a bigger deal. But, why?

Thanksgiving is a BS holiday. Sorry, America. I’m not saying I’m not thankful for you, I totally am – you should see me on the Fourth of July, which is a real holiday – I just think our country celebrating stealing away land from the Native Americans is like us celebrating Hiroshima. Sure, it unites us in our badassness, but it’s not something we should be super proud of. We might as well just decorate our traditional smallpox blankets to commemorate the event.

Anyone who has ever worked at a bar (or sadly left their family to drink at one) knows that Thanksgiving is a huge bar holiday. Everyone is in town, full and ready to get away from the ‘rents. Easter drunk? Not really a thing. Thanksgiving dinner is a big much bigger deal and a stressful time. In fact, 65 percent of Americans expect they will get in a fight with a family member during Thanksgiving. Why do we place so much importance and stress on Thanksgiving? We’re just going to do the same thing a month later at Christmas anyway but with presents.

Even the traditional Easter dinner isn’t really much of a tradition, as it seems to vastly differ between families. There’s no question what people eat at Thanksgiving: turkey, cranberry, stuffing, mashed potatoes. Everyone gets their tryptophan and we call it a day. Apparently, lamb and mint jelly is a traditional Easter dinner with Catholic families. I say “apparently” because I never heard that before this week, as my family isn’t Catholic. First off, what is mint jelly? That sounds like a selection of toothpaste to me. I’ll take the whitening mint jelly with breath strips, please. Second, isn’t it kind of creepy to eat a leg of lamb on Easter? I mean I get it: symbolism. But why are we eating the Son of God? I won’t lie, I was never keen on the idea of transubstantiation and this is almost like another form of that. I mean eating a wafer and drinking some wine is one thing but shoveling down greasy pieces of adorable baby lamb (AKA Jesus) is weird to me.

Let’s not forget, Easter is a religious holiday celebrating the resurrection of Jesus Christ. It’s also the end of Lent, the 40 days (for those who make it) of penance and self-sacrifice. Definitely sounds like a reason to celebrate to me. But why then, is Christmas celebrated so much more around the world? Christmas, as everyone knows, is the celebration of Jesus’ birthday. Again, kinda.

Most biblical scholars agree Jesus was actually most likely born in spring – ya know like when Easter is! The dates of both Christmas and Easter celebrations were chosen by the Church to coincide with Jewish and Pagan holidays at similar times, to make the transition to Christianity easier. Similarly, I think our modern society should choose to make Easter a bigger holiday because it makes sense. The traditions are more fun and it just falls at a better time. We haven’t seen the whole family since Christmas and all the anger of Thanksgiving has subsided. It’s warmer, the days are longer and Lent is over.

Did I write this column simply because my family decided to not have ham at Easter this year? Yes, maybe. But maybe I also question why some holidays are more important to us culturally than others. Why do some traditions stick and others just seem pointless as we get older? Why do we not have more holidays where we know we will be eating honey baked ham and potato salad? You can’t just go and buy yourself a whole ham; this is why we have food holidays. I mean, it is just once a year, I don’t understand why we have to start messing with things that work.

Easter was always one of my favorite family holidays. This week, don’t forget why this holiday is important for both religious and cultural reasons. Most importantly, don’t forget why Easter is important to you and your family. This holiday’s importance seems to be different for everyone so find your own reason. Now go on, wear something bright, eat a chocolate fertility bunny and paint some pagan eggs with the family. And the ham, don’t forget the ham.


Killer Joe is a comedy??? Ohhh now I get it. That shit IS funny.


AA: In The Black


If you live in or around Manhattan, it’s essential that you partake in all the activities, history, culture, and unique experiences that this great city has to offer.

Go to the museums, famous landmarks, parks, and bridges. Take in a Broadway show or head to Lincoln Center for the Ballet. Go to…

Source: alia15
  • Me: Katie, I think I'm learning THE SECRET
  • Katie: I know! Its happening to me too!
  • So let me tell you the secret to the secret, and again I've never read the book.
  • good things start happening. you question them.
  • then you just leave everything to fate and hope it'll work out
  • then you assume it will work out
  • then when shitty stuff happens you dont care cause it's happening for a reason
  • then it DOES happen for a reason
  • then you start feeling like you actually DESERVE these good things
  • then more good things happen
  • then I'm assuming you get cocky and lose everything but Im not there yet
  • ***Then we switched subjects and talked about doing some road shows***
  • Me: do you think we could get money for the shows? i'd like to be able to cover my plane ticket at least.
  • Katie: yeah definitely
  • Me: ok, cool.
  • Katie: we'd just have to crash with rando friends of the theaters
  • Me: as long as there are no bedbugs, i'm down
  • That's my only concern.
  • Katie: It's not much of a concern here but yeah believe me I KNOW
  • I had them
  • It was worse than having cancer
  • At least you can have sex at your house when you have cancer.
Source: blacktresscomedy


My Sister Paid Progressive Insurance to Defend Her Killer In Court

I’ve been sending out some impertinent tweets about Progressive Insurance lately, but I haven’t explained how they pissed me off. So I will do that here as succinctly as possible. There’s a general understanding that says, “insurance companies— oh they’re awful,” but since Progressive turned their shit hose on my late sister and my parents, I’ve learned some things that really surprised me.

I’ll try to cleave to the facts. On June 19, 2010, my sister was driving in Baltimore when her car was struck by another car and she was killed. The other driver had run a red light and hit my sister as she crossed the intersection on the green light.

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Source: mattfisher

Fresh ricotta, mozzarella, zucchini, squash, basil and scallions.


I’m a foodie, but I’m not one to complain at a restaurant.  I spent many years working in various roles in the service industry and it usually takes gross negligence to actually piss me off.  Last week, I was called to action after seeing my favorite dish was taken off the menu at my staple Times Square eatery, Schnippers.  Now, this has happened to me at other restaurants before but I had never been so annoyed that I angrily complained about it.  Yes, we all remember the DeAngelo’s debacle in Baton Rouge, Louisiana.  But,  those 15+ comment cards were friendly suggestions and they brought the fried zucchini back after that!  Regardless, it was the employees reaction at Schnippers that upset me.  I decided to send an email to the company and was shocked (in a good way) at their response.

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I was low on cash and wanted something filling and cheap.  That usually means shitty and fattening.  However, I had also just woken from a dream where I was meticulously shopping for vegetables and getting excited by each one.  I assumed that meant my body was craving some greens.  Despite the new Chinese restaurants reviews, my dinner was filled with neither fresh nor crisp veggies.  Plus, I didn’t care for the veggie to noodle ratio.  Hungry, I ate the terrible egg roll it came with and saved the rest as leftovers to “fix” later.  Here’s the shit I ordered (before I worked my magic):

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Nick Turner. Boom.: Why you should donate to the Creek Kickstarter


I perform maybe a quarter of all of my NY stand up sets at The Creek. In a city with a dozen clubs, this is no small feat. No other full time comedy venue allows the freedom that the Creek provides.

I had a good year last year. I was a New Face at Montreal and appeared on Late Night w/…

Source: nickturnercomedy